Gummy: a short story

fiction, itchy fingers, clarice lispector, bark

Walking, wet air in my lungs like that cocktail from last night, sniff sniff and memory disturbing the new day:

Rain’s twisted face spat the first sip of wine back in the glass.

“This is the worst red I’ve ever had.”

I mouthed the words as I walked, biting my teeth, scratching at how the table mirrored the underside of our faces, distorted by the half-light of this stale bar in Hollywood where no one kept their eyes to themselves.

Nothing happened. Rain walked me home and I woke in the middle of the night, itching. Something from the food or drink or conversation leaked from one part of my insides to the other, bloodstream slipping and spiking my cells to scream with glossy bumps that felt SO BAD GOOD TO SCRATCH, like my jaw tingling, like the tip of a sneeze, raw.

Sleep rippled through me. My mind teetered on wakeness until I rose without an alarm—I had to pick up my phone at the fix place. Not having the metal death thing for the week made me read a novel, which was great. I’d finished the book that morning, right when I woke up, after flicking the blood from my fingers and the tears from my face, thinking TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO.

The book was the best book I ever read. Near to the Wild Heart by Clarice Lispector. My eyes licked every sentence twice and twice I bled ink from the pages and slid her words into my water…harmless…

But imagine my SHOCK as I’m walking across Vermont Ave, to the phone fix place I didn’t want to go to, and all these words from the book start dribbling out of me.

In a trance, I said, “‘One day it will come, yes, one day the capacity as red and affirmative as it is clear and soft will come in me, one day whatever I do will be blindly, surely, unconsciously standing in myself, in my truth, so entirely cast in what I do that I will be incapable of speaking…’”

Had I purposely memorized these lines?

NO.

But I kept speaking Clarice’s words…..

“'…above all a day will come on which all my movement will be creation, birth, I will break all of the noes that exist in me, I will prove to myself that there is nothing to fear, that everything I am will always be where there is a woman with my beginning…'”

C’MON.

The sentences hovered in front of my face, poking the end of their sounds, teasing. I inhaled, swallowing, regurgitation. Then I coughed, and stepped in a pile of gum. A large pile, like twenty pieces, all lumped together and squishing around both my bare feet.

With this squish, I heaved out three more lines of the passage, jolting the cells between my shoulders and ears. And then came a vague sensation in my head just like the gum, pink and pulsing, sort of blooming next to my amygdala.

I paused, feeling……..better………at the corner of a building to scrape the chew from me. I pressed my body against the textured concrete and the rough touched me so well and I didn’t think about my fingers.

She came from my mouth again.

“‘…I will be strong like the soul of an animal and when I speak my words will be unthought and slow, not lightly felt, not full of yearning for humanity, not the past corrupting the future! what I say will resound fatal and whole!’”

INCREDIBLE! A warm from my middle unfolded, rays flowing into my blood, home. The vibrations lingered, replacing my thought stream, trading one socket for another and, bliss.

For a few seconds. Because then in my vision came Rain, really, there, walking toward me.

Rain, suddenly layered on top of the memory of the beginning of this walk, remembering, but then part of my real, waking seconds, moving in breathy color, too much stick, stick and the scene tinted gum and snapping, Rain, stopping, toes painted, in front of me.

“Twice in twenty-four hours? You gotta know that means something.”

I thought in Clarice: ‘…there will be no space in me for me to know that time, man, dimensions exist…’

“I added you on Instagram,” said Rain. “Are you going to accept? I mean, it’s kind of hot if you don’t but….”

‘…there will be no space in me to even realize that I will be creating instant by instant…’

Rain went on.

“…but I guess if we’re running into each other all the time then I don’t have to worry about the cringe of seducing you over DM.”

I laughed. Of course? And can only imagine what I looked like at this point, eyes flicking, skin giggling, self melding into self. My brain smoothed as the transition occurred, and my thoughts become sound.

“‘…because THEN I WILL LIVE, ONLY THEN WILL I LIVE BIGGER THAN IN MY CHILDHOOD, I WILL BE AS BRUTAL AND MISSHAPEN AS A ROCK, I WILL BE AS LIGHT AND VAGUE AS SOMETHING FELT AND NOT UNDERSTOOD, I WILL SURPASS MYSELF IN WAVES, AH, LORD, AND—”

“Yo….bro.”

I waited for the frantic look, the horrified mouth, the ANYTHING, but instead:

“Such a good one,” Rain said. “I read that book last year. You have good taste. Which I feel like I already knew.”

I made a noise. And ran. The concrete cracked under my bare feet and I tried to think where I was supposed to go but, ‘…may everything come and fall upon me, even the incomprehension of myself at certain white moments because all I have to do…’

I passed the phone fix shop. I sprinted, calm, to Griffith Park. Sprinted calm as the trees canopyed and the air breathed cold and dry like how I always wanted.

‘…is comply with myself and then nothing will block my path until death-without-fear…’

Texture in my eyes, bark, green, layered with me from two weeks ago, on this same walk, different. Layered with me in the park at seven years old, different. Layered with me three years from then, different, but I could be with them all, and be okay, there, as Clarice’s words replaced scrolls of screens, itchy fingers, despair. And the final bit of sentence flowed through me, sounds sweet and tough and real. No ‘then’ or ‘there’ or ‘have to be.’ All chatter replaced, senses activated, touching the tree, touching me, breathing, pulsing. Yes because

“‘…from any struggle or rest I will rise up as strong and beautiful as a young horse.’”

I blew a bubble.

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THE END. YAY.

COMMENT WHAT YOU THINK THIS CHARACTER’S NAME IS.

ALSO YES THIS IS A FIRST DRAFT, IT’S LUMPY AND I’M NOT SURE WHAT IT’S ABOUT BUT THAT’S OKAY, THAT’S WHAT THOUGHT JUICE IS ;) want to give me crit? fantastic.

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NOTE: I truly don’t know if I’m “allowed” to use the passage like this but I feel like it’s okay? It’s quoted and cited in full below <3 And yes, this is my favorite book. The rest is fiction, don’t worry…… :::

“One day it will come, yes, one day the capacity as red and affirmative as it is clear and soft will come in me, one day whatever I do will be blindly, surely, unconsciously standing in myself, in my truth, so entirely cast in what I do that I will be incapable of speaking, above all a day will come on which all my movement will be creation, birth, I will break all of the noes that exist in me, I will prove to myself that there is nothing to fear, that everything I am will always be where there is a woman with my beginning, I will build inside me what I am one day, with one gesture of mine my waves will rise up powerful, pure water drowning doubt, awareness, I will be strong like the soul of an animal and when I speak my words will be unthought and slow, not lightly felt, not full of yearning for humanity, not the past corrupting the future! what I say will resound fatal and whole! there will be no space in me for me to know that time, man, dimensions exist, there will be no space in me to even realize that I will be creating instant by instant, not instant by instant: always welded, because then I will live, only then will I live bigger than in my childhood, I will be as brutal and misshapen as a rock, I will be as light and vague as something felt and not understood, I will surpass myself in waves, ah Lord, and may everything come and fall upon me, even the incomprehension of myself at certain white moments because all I have to do is comply with myself and then nothing will block my path until death-without-fear, from any struggle or rest I will rise up as strong and beautiful as a young horse.”

(Near to the Wild Heart, Clarice Lispector, 1942)

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